Newly Old

It's the new year, and I'm newly resolved to get back to updating this blog. However, this not an official New Year's resolution. I haven't made any, simply because I haven't even had a chance to slow down and be reflective since, oh, somewhere around mid-November.

I can't believe a whole calendar year has passed since I boarded a plane, destination Zambia. Last year sometimes feels like the lost year. I'm forever grateful that I finally got to experience life in sub-Saharan Africa and that I now have a better understanding of what it means to be Zambian - to be born there, educated there, and struggle to find ways to make it there. I know my insight is limited, and I've only scratched the surface, yet still, the year challenged me in ways I didn't expect and taught me things I never particularly wanted to learn (exhibit A: lying through your teeth with no qualms).

I'll reach back as far as my 30-year-old brain will allow in order to post post-humously some reflections on the adventure of 2011. Meanwhile, I'll try to capture my observations of life now as it actually happens.

Currently, culture shock has me in its death vice. I drive more slowly, and possibly more erratically, than my adorable French grandmother ever did. If you pass me on the road, please don't judge. Driving skill is honed by excessive practice (in the U.S.), and I've been sorely out of practice for three years. In addition to driving troubles, I'm constantly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice available in this country. It seems impossible to make decisions. Grocery store trips are leisurely outings that can take over an hour for just a few items. I think the Publix employees are extremely confused whenever they see me calmly wandering around.

Being overwhelmed by transport and food options is a classic reverse culture shock trait that most returning expats experience. Mention your difficulties, and you'll get knowing nods and smiles. But why doesn't anyone ever warn you about trying to actually talk to Americans when you return? I'm having the most difficulty, I think, with conversational norms and turn-taking. I'm guessing this is a result of several competing factors. First is the fact that in Zambia, I made great efforts to learn to communicate effectively with Zambians. This communication task may seem easy. "Isn't Zambia an English speaking country?" How many times have I heard this question? And yet, most of the expats I knew who lived in Zambia primarily communicated with locals who were used to the conversational norms of Americans and had adapted their own style of speech to what they'd observed. In my workplace however, I was frequently lost, and I had to truly work at being understood and avoiding miscommunication. This was partly due to the fact that Zamblish is its own dialect, different from British English and American English and equal in its own standards and rules. The communication difficulties were also partly due to the fact that most Zambians, even those who now speak better English than they do their mother tongues, blend the two (or three) languages in an exemplary melody of code-switching. So, yes, part of what they were speaking was English, but a large part wasn't. However, I did adapt, and I learned to change my English to Zamblish in order to be better understood.

A second factor may be that living abroad - for me, two years in China and a year in Zambia - forces same-language speakers to relate and bond to one another more quickly, and it shows in conversational patterns and norms. This reality is both annoying because I don't get to make friends at the slow pace I'm used to and comforting because it's always lonely being the foreigner on display somewhere. The result is that I look at everyone who speaks my language as a potential friend, even while I recognize that most of the people I meet probably already have all the friends they need and want.

I think I'm also having difficulty jumping to the end of people's sentences and thoughts before they have the time to get there. And I'm so excited to be talking to anyone at all (living alone does have its drawbacks. My cat doesn't talk back. At least, not really), that I respond a few seconds faster than a normal person. As someone who has (or used to have? I'm not sure) a hard time getting my thoughts out of my mouth, I know it can be frustrating to be around someone who talks too fast or responds too quickly. I hope these "returnee" quirks work themselves out soon.