Bones or Ash?

The ghosts of the reservoir are at it again - keeping me up with strange nightmares.  This is what you get from swimming in a man-made lake that previously served as burial grounds.

The Life and Times of

Wow!  It's been an amazingly long time since I last posted.  I'm not sure what has sparked my lack of introspection or the desire to spread my peculiar brand of wit online.  Yes, I do try.  You didn't notice?  What??  I've decided to give up on mass-emails as an attempt to keep in touch.  It's not my way, and it makes me feel like a fake.  "Come on, please care about me!"  Anyhow, I'm going to make an attempt to update this site regularly, in case there are those who are still interested.

During my blogging hiatus, I went on vacation to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam.  Throughout the vacation, the biggest question on my mind was whether or not to sign on for a second year here.  After much, much deliberation, many never-ending circular conversations, and the return to spring semester at STU, I decided I would spend another year of life here.  This decision, strange as it may seem, has to have been one of the hardest of my life.  The initial decision to come here was so simple.  It just made sense.  I had peace about it.  My family was thrilled I wasn't heading to the Middle East.  There seemed to be so much confirmation that this was where I needed to be for now.  

The decision to stay here is not so clear-cut.  Beyond and behind all the weighing of plusses and minuses on either side, decision-making seems infinitely more difficult with the absence of concerned others.  From the outside, I lead a charmed life - venturing off to whatever exciting place I want to go next.  And yes, I'm young and single - the perfect time to embrace life open-armed.  It's such an adventure, and I'm so lucky that I can go where I want without having to think about a family.  Or so I've been told, time and again.  The reality is, of course, somewhat more complex.  I am thankful for freedom, but I'm also sad that I am responsible to no one and no one is to me.  The deep loneliness of being the only one affected by a decision makes choosing anything an insurmountable task.  Of course, one could argue that my birth family is affected, and certainly they are more than anyone else.  But they are family units of their own without me, and I can't realistically live with them at this point in life.

So, that leaves me here, one person making what seems like to me the hugest decision ever with very little input and few sounding boards.  And so, I chose to stay.  My rationale is not great.  I might regret it later, but I hope I won't.  At least I have bought some time until another life-altering decision has to be made.  I've always been a wanderer, wondering what was around the next curve with little need to see a clearly marked path. But I'm finding that I want to - at least for once in my life - truly belong somewhere.

These are just a few thoughts, skeletons of what's been flying through my head over the months.  I'm looking forward to posting more exciting information about idiosyncracies of life and work here.  There will be much more to come later!